So I am in the cross road of my life…deciding or knowing what I really want.

After buying two online courses from Crappy Childhood Fairy and watching lots of coach, expert’s videos, I am going deeper to learn about myself and know what I really want.

I didn’t know…what I wanted…I usually reacted and responded what others want apparently. The ones I opened my heart to.

One female sex expert/podcaster and other sex expert and doctor…all of them had their podcasts and invited me to share my stories or co-host.

I didn’t do my stuff and instead put efforts and time…heart into their stuff…and later felt used.

So listening to the life coaches and experts who had similar childhood background with emotional neglect or traumas helped me learn my personalty traits and tendencies.

Also the fact…I wasn’t thinking about what I wanted or even know…I supposed to be asking myself “What do you want?” “How are you feeling?”
Things like that.

So I am trying to figure out what I want.

I came to Pyeongtaek area to see the housing I checked out last time to finalize my decision.
I watched lots of videos on…knowing what path or what is wise thing to do.
Suppose to do what my soul sings.
The place I feel depressed or down is not the right place…so I doubt even trying to live in Korea is wrong thing.
I tried to listen to Korean people’s advice “You should settle in Korea”
Then I asked myself “Why?”
“Why should I settle in Korea if I am not happy here?”

I am happiest when I am surrounded myself with my kind of people, beautiful nature…

Nowadays many Koreans are talking about leaving Korea due to air pollution and the hassle, competitive, comparing culture…

And recently my CEO client mentioned “Maybe you should live in USA”

I heard similar thing from 3 different people.

One…when I was in my early 20s…from my first love.
He was New York Stock Exchange trader from the States living in Seoul.
He knew me very well.

He suggested or told I better off living in New York or US city somewhere I can meet my kind of men.
Because he knew I was attracted to intelligent Caucasian men. American usually-they are the ones I most had experiences interacting.

Population wise…there are not many of those demographic in Seoul…I am not attracted to Korean usually. Their cultural background or thinking style.
Korean mind. Not my style.

Second person. My CEO client a few weeks ago.

He was busy with board meetings and I was quite depressed and soul searching after heart breaking events…and we met after awhile.

I shared all what happened since we haven’t met.
How I felt so betrayed from my mom-like friend…
I don’t feel I belong to Korean society…felt so used by Koreans so far…the time I lived in Korea.
Usually I was with my American friends or European ex husband…living expat life overseas or not really living in Korea or Korean life…
And recently I lived in Korea over a year…and my experiences were…so tired of being used feeling.

CEO client mentioned I better off interacting with non-Koreans before.
Then latest comment he just mentioned…like passing comment…that kind of pierced in my heart was “Maybe you should live in the States”

Then I met a week ago, this American University professor friend who is teaching in Korea now…and knows so well about Korean society or culture…he messaged me saying
“I really hope you do leave Korea. You are not meant to be in this culture I think. I am praying for you”

This makes me think more deeply about my decision on moving to other city or leaving Korea now…

Today I came down to check the house. House is beautiful. Landlord is very nice, artist, architecture and open minded, photographer, traveler…

I could tell he was my kind…I could feel it would be nice connection.
Last night, my mind and brain was quite anxious if I will make a right decision.
I stated to play some audio from Wayne Dyer.
I was resonating with his wisdom and advice.
So deeply…

Wayne Dyer 🌀Become A New Human Being Today!101 Ways to Transform your Life

And on the way to checking out this beautiful house near lake…I was listening to this. I meditate again these days.
I used to use hemi-sync brain wave tech embedded guided meditation for a few years too.
But nowadays I know I have to silence my brain chatter and go deeper and develop my intuition. I feel so not sure…so doubtful…so I have to ask so many people…I feel because I don’t know…
That feeling or style is coming from childhood emotional neglect. I didn’t develop those things…according to other life coach, childhood PTSD experts…

Intuition is Not a Feeling – Joy Martina #574

I feel totally resonate with her teaching, sharing, methods. I wanted to re-program my mind/brain/subconsciousness.

She seems to have great methods that she teaches and see results from people.
I can imagine myself going to her workshop!
I should do that as well.

Anyway I have now 15 more days before moving or leaving.
I will go deep…inside and decide…

It was great that I told my realtor honestly…about my feelings.
If it happens…it happens…(moving to that house)…
If I don’t feel right about that…then I will leave Korea…
Also I have to decide about my escort or GFE business.

Knowing what I really want.

BTW, about last night’s monogamy comment.
I said I don’t believe in monogamy.
I might do well in monogamy with someone I truly love…resonate with.
But as I said…I am not also sure about love…what love is. (The PTSD expert says childhood PTSD people are like that…they didn’t get love or felt love or experience true love or whatever…they don’t know).

I wondered actually how I would be…if I was with the person…I feel I really love deeply…
I feel I could be with that person like monogamy style…but who knows…
Love is also commitment I feel. I mean marriage.
It is not only purely all 100% love.
Sacrifice, compromise…plays huge role in successful marriage I feel.
Then what is success?

Ignoring one’s own truth and true feelings and needs and wants…?
Is it happiness?

Anyway…I was so sentimental…listening to audios on intuition…feelings…
Also self love audio…then listening to songs I listened together with my client I fell in love made me sentimental and miss him and cry.

This coffee shop also played same song…made me cry.
ZAYN – Let Me (Official Video)

Enough of writing therapy now. Leaving for Seoul.

Love the music and atmosphere of this cafe. DewDrop in Pyeongtaek.
So lonely…

Wonder how others live…in this lonely world…

BTW, do you have any comment or suggestion or advice for me?

What do you think I should do? I know…I should know…