It’s been a long time since I wrote blog post in January.
I was going through a lot of personal stuff after two major events.
One was having abandonment trauma triggering from one client I fell in love…or felt like falling in love. To be honest, I don’t know…about love…I feel.
I am not sure…what love is…
I once had a rule of not meeting married men personally…and had a rule on my escort site that I don’t meet married clients but I got rid of that condition recently. I got rid of a lot of rules of mine or conditions or questions on my booking form.
Like age, height, weight, nationality…etc.
I mostly had single clients. And very few married clients and my CEO client.
He has a girl friend but she can’t provide physically sex and he has needs.
And she understands his needs and is totally cool with him meeting escorts.
When I met this special client, I learned there is totally legit reason…in my opinion…
He’s young physically and has his needs as a healthy human being(and animal) but his wife can’t…due to age…aging process…
When I found out she found out about him meeting escorts…because of my early morning messaging wishing him a good trip and holiday wishes…
That was huge mistake. I put silence mode on my phone and didn’t think about that…possibility and forgot all about this married situation in my mind.
I felt terrible…how she would have felt. The pain I have had caused…
Because I experienced similar thing as a wife.
One night I found out my ex husband was cheating on me.
We were living in Beijing and China blocks social media and he was using my computer with my own server connection…he forgot to log out or something and I saw his messaging between the young girl and him on facebook messaging.
I was shivering and so upset when I read all the conversations and everything I saw. I woke him up in the middle of the night and confronted him how he could do that.
Anyway…I ended up divorcing(not mainly because of his infidelity but because I can’t be in trapped/not freeing marriage style) and returned back to Korea.
It was when I read “Sex at dawn” book by Chris Ryan, I came to peace with his infidelity and deeper understanding of human needs, human animal nature…after few year had passed from my divorce.
I thought my marriage could have gone better if I read that book and had a better understanding. We all should have been honest with our needs and feelings. He hided his feelings because he couldn’t express his loneliness and needs…
Actually after we argued in the middle of the night…he had me promise him not to leave him 2 times a year and 2 weeks maximum.
Or I agreed on his rule or needs…to be with him…(I was traveling or attending conferences in the States or other countries or Korea as I still had my center in Seoul-maybe in search of my healing or something that I wasn’t aware of)
That rule eventually made me leave him. Because I couldn’t live like that. Too free spirited.
This is amazon book link if you want to purchase and read it. I highly recommend it.
Anyway, at first I was distracting myself…by meeting clients and realizing how bad the situation was…and feeling so terrible and painful and sad.
His wife left messages and emails with very very upset, angry, nasty stuff.
She wanted me to be out of his life.
Of course I never had any intention to break someone’s happy marriage.
I was happy to meet him when he had a chance or visit Korea. That would be totally fine and cool.
But now…he stopped communicating or contacting…
The fact, the thought…he no longer contacts or messages or meets me…
Never hearing from him after his last message of saying good bye and good luck without any other message was devastating.
I felt so sad for him…or bad for him.
He’s still young and healthy…but he has to live castrated for the rest of his life?
Why he can’t do what his body, animal human side’s needs…and emotional needs…I guess as married person…we have to deny our human needs?
After my marriage experience and reading book and watching lots of interviews from marriage, sex, relationship experts…I don’t believe in monogamy. It’s just social trap or jail to control and program people I feel.
So unnatural…against human nature.
First feeling bad and sad for him.
Later, I realized I can’t see him or hear his voice or meet him anymore…if he accept wife’s wants although she can’t provide sex anymore…
I felt so sad the thought of not seeing him any more. Anyway he doesn’t live in Korea anyway…but the possibility of someday in the future…I could meet him versus can’t see him anymore…
And his stopping of communication…triggered something deep inside…pain…
It was abandonment trauma.
I studies a lot about relationship and personality traits to understand them. The wife…and him…their relationship…their dynamics…
I learned a lot about personality traits in the search of understanding them but I ended up understanding myself.
Things I learned about him applied to myself.
Childhood traumas and we tend to be so kind and nice to others. Caring about others…pleasing others…suppressing our needs…or don’t even know our needs or wants…we love to help people.
Finding joy in helping others and make others happy(the ones we like, love, care about a lot).
His case…his extreamly kind, nice human being…
Anyway I studied a lot and ordered lots of books, started reading, having better understanding and awareness and working to heal myself nowadays.
From childhood PTSD, traumas, emotional neglect, attachment and abandonment issues.
And I bought courses, am doing meditation, fears and resentment journaling and binge eating when I am so stressed and depressed.
Sometimes I feel positive but sometimes I am still so sad and depressed…
I think I cry everyday.
Think about him and teary.
Reading book…and cry.
Watch movie and cry.
Flash back memory and try.
See beautiful poem or quotes and cry.
See sweet animal and cry.
It’s not all the time crying…just some moment…made me think or remember memories…teary.
I haven’t written blog post because I was suppressing my emotions since the wife of my client sent nasty messages and emails and I got affected by her words and presence(cyber and in my mind).
I had a lot in my heart and mind…to express…vent out…
I just watched a few days ago this video.
Expressing…writing…journaling is scientifically proven to be very healing psychically, biologically, neurologically…
To Heal from Childhood Abuse & Neglect, Talk LESS, Write MORE
So since January, I haven’t written much…which means I was more suffering from suppressing my feelings.
I was caring or worrying about the wife of that client…because I know she would come and check out my site here.
Also he asked me to delete all the posts or tweets about him…so I did.
I felt I couldn’t talk or say if I wanted to respect or honor their requests…but I feel it’s my life…why I can’t say what I want to say?
Why I have to hide my thoughts, feelings? Emotions…
So I am just expressing my stuff now…
I hoped she would understand him…his needs as a human being.
As a man. As an animal being-we are animal too…
I wasn’t so active with my escort hobby life.
I am still confused about what to do…with this.
I love meeting and connecting with special clients…
But also I know I love deep down meeting someone special as well…
I bought a course from the crappy childhood fairy site about childhood PTSD and also dating and relationship.
Deep down I crave for love…true love and affection….
Although I am not sure what true love is…
I have some ideas and thoughts about it…based on my own experience and others’ sharing their definition of true love…
I wonder if I continue escort with sexual service…it will interfere with my finding true love or someone special as I am so mixed with escort biz with personal stuff.
I don’t treat it like business or means of making money purely.
With my CEO client…it’s best escort client relationship.
His girl friend is understanding and he has his love-girl friend and he’s very good with boundaries.
We miss and respect each other but we don’t cross the love…romantic…too personal line.
It’s perfect. He has his needs and he has a partner he loves just physically they don’t have sex.
So he uses the services for his needs.
I have to really really know what I want to do…with my GFE service…or escort…
And my life…
Making money with what I love…and very good at…
I am gonna write more often.
I need to express more.
With podcast, YouTube, blog post, column…etc.
This is what I enjoy when I free can express myself. If I don’t worry about others…
Anyway…this was what was going on.
Falling in love with a client. Had abandonment trauma.
Depression. Self discovery. Starting healing journey…with more clarity rooted deep from childhood. Trauma.
Anyway…I will write more often. 🙂
Thanks for reading/listening to me.
Feel free to leave comment. Thank you!