Friend’s death related to childhood trauma…perhaps wanting to be loved…

My most recent news is that my aromatherapist friend’s death from stress related cancer spread-out.

I moved to Yangyang, Gangwondo due to money situation caused from people situation…caused from childhood trauma related personality traits.

When I met one client last year, he mentioned
“You have a tendency to do things for others even if you don’t truly want(to please others)”
I had a session awhile ago to get rid of my needs to please others or need to be loved by everyone.
So I thought I got over it.
But I realized from my recent incident from my housemate…kind of friend situation that I still have that…
Mom-like…angel like(I thought) friend asked me to have her daughter stay at my place and I said no as I knew I like my privacy but she convinced(?) me by suggesting to try for a week and see how it goes.

My assumption or understanding or expectation was that I could let her know flexibly if I change my mind or things don’t work out.

But my style…I just suffered and waited…tried to suppress my own needs to be alone or have privacy…

And when I finally couldn’t take anymore the stress of my own…(I still didn’t dislike or have any problems with her daughter or her as I put my own emotional needs down)…I told her I needed my space.

I even offered to pay for moving cost and everything right away but she told me she was busy and it was cold.

And she promised she would move out the date we agreed on.
But I didn’t see any sign of her trying her best at moving out that day.

No moving truck or packing scene at home.

While I suffered through so many months…
I cared about her…waited…put her needs above mine…then seeing that…
I was so feeling betrayed and used by her…
That time…I was coughing a lot, my health was going down.
I was so depressed and stressed out. I couldn’t work…my regular healing work not GFE service work that much…either.
I took aromatherapy pills but it didn’t help me improve my health at all.
And finally when they moved out, my health got slowly stabilized and my cough and severe health problems subsidized.
That time, I learned how stress can minimize or harm for the body.
When my body was in a fight or flight mode, my immune system shut down.
I felt my heart pumping….from stress…

“The sympathetic nervous system sends out impulses to glands and smooth muscles and tells the adrenal medulla to release epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline) into the bloodstream. These “stress hormones” cause several changes in the body, including an increase in heart rate and blood pressure.”

Because of recent heart-breaking incidents of being betrayed(maybe she didn’t mean but her actions showed…not caring…I interpreted) and abandoned, I started to dig deep into human behaviors and personality traits…and I ended up learning about myself.

All those incidents were coming from my own behavior patterns.

My mom was busy working, surviving…
When she gave birth to my younger sister, she sent me to my grandmother.
I was 3 or 4 years old. I still have a memory of going somewhere unknown and terrified.
Also my early childhood, I was alone in the neighborhood when all my neighborhood friends went to kindergarten(although I am glad I didn’t go to kindergarten and got early programming now).
Also my parents were busy making money…I don’t have a memory of being hugged or loved…not much affection from them.
I am thankful for my mom that she didn’t send me to orphanage or physical abuse when I know it could be worse.
They didn’t know perfect parenting…of course.
And my first sex was from my own biological father when I was teenager…when I was in high school.
It was one time accident. I forgave him…as I understand people could make mistake and he would have been ashamed of his mistake.
He died 2 years ago as age of 60. So young…
Luckily we had finally open communication about that incident back in my high school time and he compensated me for his damage to my life…as that affected my whole life…as well as childhood emotional neglect(which I learned recently).

So why am I talking about my childhood stuff when title was about my friend’s death?

My aromatherapist/emotion/psychology specialist friend was also sent to her grandparents when she was young.
Her father was sick and her mom and father went to countryside to heal her father and also do Christian work…building church there.

My friend one day came over to my place to get healing session from me.
NLT session. Neuro Linguistic Tapping.
This explains about NLT. I am level 1 NLT practitioner although I never charged officially to do this session professionally yet.
I got a lot of healing and releases from my session from Tim.

So I opened up free case study session and my friend came over.
She shared her story and incident she couldn’t make sense or let it go.
She ended up going to prestige university to understand her mom…from one incident.

She used to be tom boy kind of a girl when she was young.
Her father became a pastor and she had now rule…such as be a good example…good girl…etc.
Whatever she did at school…
Not showing off or submissive…whatever she did…always people complained.
Or pointed out her behavior. Why she is too this…or too that…whatever she did.

One day deaconess and her daughter visited their home and little girl wanted to have her favorite rubber eraser.

And my friend’s hobby was collecting erasers. And that was her favorite one she gathered…with lots of effort.

When my friend said “No” to give that eraser to that girl…my friend’s mom scolded at her and my friend cried out.

That little girl ended up taking her eraser. I guess that might have been 28-30 years ago incident that she had to let go and needed my help to release her pain…from childhood memory.

We did session and she finally got so clear from that memory and emotional charge.

I heard he went to university because of her mom…she wanted to know…needed to understand…

My friend was very logical brain person. But gifted with emotion and psychology counseling. But I doubt she understood about childhood programming.

I learned and studied a lot these days…because of my own recent trauma triggering incidents and started to read and watch interviews from Gabor Mate MD and so many people and coaches sharing their stories and success stories to help people with childhood PTSD/traumas.

My friend got targeted from network marketing people…their greediness and not caring for others….

When they went to US to attend conferences, other line of network marketer lady got close to this lady and she wanted to change her sponsorship to other line.

And people involved in this network marketing company started to have fights…I don’t know if it was her greediness to rank high or triggered her emotional stuff…or what…but this one woman who wanted to change her sponsorship accused my friend for putting her sister’s name on other line.

And sent her accusing letter to many people. Even to me.
I guess so many descriptions were not true…and my friend was suffering from that.
I felt people’s greediness…to rank high and earn more money…recruit other people from other line to her own etc…made this incident.
But also it can be my friend’s personality…

She didn’t express her feelings and needs. She suppressed her pain or wants…
Also she had financial scarcity mindset…she knew she needed to overcome that mentality.
But those early childhood programming…by observing her parents…maybe passing down to their genes…DNAs…she struggled although she was so talented and gifted with so much education, certificate, background etc.

I told her to fight against them.
She wanted to protect others…if she brought up stuff then many others who also did fake registering with their family’s name etc…will get financial damage.
I guess suing and all cost money and effort etc…although her boy friend’s father was famous lawyer…I heard later it is not just simple thing to get help.
It cost them valuable time and it can be complicated and money costing…
I guess she could do that but didn’t. For many reasons…

If she was not poor…would she be just taking that?
I know she was too sensitive and taking stress too much…when someone else got similar accusation said
“That bitch! I will do…$%^%&^%”
That person take it so deeply and suffered like my friend.

I wondered…
If my friend got abundant love and support from her parents…her personality would turn out like her.
Always put her needs down…let others claim and take things first. And she waited for last…
I noticed when I was coaching. She never come up and claimed gift or prize or something…first. Always waited for others to take first…

She was so kind, caring, sweet…

After reading “When the body says no” by Gabor Mate MD book…I started to notice and connect the dots with physical illness and stress and emotional issues from people around me. Including myself.
While talking in a car with other people, I hear someone died from cancer…and I asked “Was she so nice?”
The lady said “YES! She missed Korea so much after immigrated to USA because of her husband’s work”

Also other lady I met from recent conference also mentioned about cancer…death…again….that person was too nice. Suffering inside

Anyway…it was so sad…
My friend’s death…I went to see her while she was in ICU in coma.
I was gonna visit her but didn’t have money to give her.
I knew she had financial stress too as she was sick and couldn’t work.
I waited till I had money to give her…
When I had to move out due to not paying rent from my own similar episode of not saying no and putting my needs first…
I finally got left over deposit back and wanted to see her but I had to go to Yangyang to take care of my moving stuff.
I asked one gentleman who live near by to just make sure moving truck men could get to the place as the place was little complicated to go by GPS.

But he turned down my asking a favor. Irony thing is that he asked me to come to meet him to discuss community building.
I resonated with his mission or passion to build coop community where people help each other…
But when I asked his help by message…he told me later…he thought
“I don’t know you well. You are thinking so easy…about me…you ask more favors when I helped you”
Something like that he told me he felt that way.

I explained about my situation when he told me that in person.
I cried so much while driving to see her in Inchen cancer specialty hospital…ICU.
I got tired of Korea…Korean people…
I felt people are so selfish and greedy here…using people like my friend and me…
Why they take advantage of people like us…

Later, other aromatherapist friend told me not every Korean is like them…
My mom like friend…etc…
She asked me “Maybe you need to think about your energy…what make people take advantage of you or you attract those people in your life?”

It’s the childhood trauma…not getting enough love or attention, confidence, assurance…on our self worth and value…
We are terrified not to be liked or abandoned…it’s human animal instinct.
Humans are the most dependent species in the animal kingdom.
Without proper bond from caretaker, they can’t survive.

Understanding this with stress and emotion related physical symptoms and struggles in life make me see things more clearly.
From observing my friend’s sudden death from spreading her cancer that she healed before…due to stress and emotional pains made me rethink about my own trauma and behaviors these days more deeply.

I learned I shouldn’t wait for perfect timing…
Also I should express my feelings and needs.
I have to claim what is right for me. Not just waiting and thinking others will do the right thing.
In this money greedy…materialistic society…like Korea…people seem to be so selfish and competitive. Thinking about their own needs and not caring about others much.
I saw this from my mom and sisters not doing the right thing.

I visited my grand mother a week ago and I was upset.
Seeing my grandmother was just surviving…just living…just…
I got angry and wanted to fight for my grandmother.

If not, I have to get my right and share from my father’s will(verbal will but still by law I have a right). I have to stabilize my life and make money and do the right thing for my grand mother.

So I announced to my mom I would sue her or do something. Not just waiting around innocently anymore. Expecting my mom would do the right thing…when I saw she and all my sisters didn’t honor my father’s will because of their greediness(that’s how I see but I am sure they think otherwise).

Today my mom sent me message apologizing to send me when I was little to my grand mother and cause my childhood trauma.
I understand her situation when she was young…struggling to survive raising kids…

I told her I understand her logically. Just trauma is causing stuff in my life still.
I like to express feelings and talk with her. I am sure she had her stories to share. I wasn’t living with her much and didn’t hear her stories like other sisters did…so maybe I don’t understand things.
But also I heard from my grandmother that my mom still have grudge against my grandmother with misunderstanding…

These underlying misunderstandings and mistakes or whatever…it’s time to clear up.
It is causing so much pain and suffering.
Time to talk openly and communicate.
And have understanding or try to understand and listen.
Will find better solutions and live life in a more meaningful, fulfilling ways…

I know my site is about Girl Friend Experience or escort…dating…and I am talking too much personal stuff…
But I do this GFE because of who I am…how I grew up…
Craving for love, connection…
That is why I do what I do here…with GFE. But also I can’t just trade money for sex style…
Because I am not interested in that.

I like to be authentic, real…although I don’t show my face…even if I really want to share…
But because of law…safety of mine or my clients…I have to…

What I really want is love.
My dream life would be spending time with someone I really like, love…
Living in a beautiful nature mountain house, gardening, having golden retriever dog, hugging, walking, cooking, having lots of great sex…open communication…
I am independent with my financial stuff and not relying on my lover or partner…doing what I love…making money doing what I love like sharing true on health or life…being authentic.

My lover or friend…male friend asked me to come to visit and stay with him while I am learning and healing from trauma…reading books and relax…

I told him I would visit him in the States in May.
I don’t know what will happen.
I don’t put expectations or hope on him but he’s my close to my ideal person I like to be with. He knows I suffer from childhood trauma and I did escort etc.

I wanted to wait till I have enough money because I don’t want to be burdened if things don’t work out.
My fear…worry…
Fear of being hurt…

But after my friend’s death…I wouldn’t like to wait and regret. Not to see her…
Not to see him. Spend nice time together as long as we enjoy each others’ company.

Just pure…happiness.
With no expectations…

I always said
“Live life to the fullest”
But I wasn’t living life to the fullest…it turns out…

I have to clear up traumas, grudges with mom…and that mom like friend…
I love to live with pure clean heart.
Being surrounded by loving, caring, kind, nice people…

Just enjoy humanness…spending beautiful time together.
Till I offer my GFE, I think it’s still special and valuable to spend a quality time even if it’s paid one.
I paid lots of money for my online marketing coach in UK when I visited him.

I valued his time and knowledge and wisdom he shared with me and bring to the table.
I see my time and service like his.

Creating beautiful memories and spending meaningful, nice time together and paying for my time…there’s nothing wrong with it…only law in Korea…or certain countries rule it could be considered otherwise…

I consider as opportunity cost.
I have financial needs and the time I spend with clients could be used for me to do other income producing activities and I offer my time not doing things for myself and get compensated.

In case, someone out there wonder or get confused about paying money…
I hope my thought could give some insights and comfort.

I don’t want to convince anyone. But just I always wanted to express how I see paying me…for my time…like I pay a lot for my coach in UK.

What I offer is valuable for your happiness and contributing to create meaningful life.
I hope so.

Let’s live life..
Create beautiful memories and enjoy…
Carpe diem.

I have to remind myself…too still.

Carpe Diem…message music I love by Carsie Blanton.

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