This blog was written a few years ago. I kept it published for a short period, but then I unpublished it because I felt it might give readers(and clients) negative feelings.
Potential clients who want to see companions or escorts are looking for beautiful, sexy, happy, upbeat women, and I thought this post would be too negative. After thinking about it for a long time, I decided to unpublish it.
Then, I got a message from a client I met and fell in love with when I started my escort life last night.
I decided to share this story… about cancer, illness, life… and trauma.
I witnessed my father passing away and a dear friend in a similar time frame, and I was very upset and sad…
I’m re-posting what I wrote during that period of my life. It can be dark, sad, and upsetting…
If you don’t like to hear a sad, angry voice… from me… don’t read. I warned you.
My most recent news is that my aromatherapist friend passed away suddenly due to severe stress caused by people.
She had healed from stage 3 thyroid cancer, but suddenly, it spread so quickly within 2-3 months, and she passed away.
I can’t forget her peaceful face in the ICU hospital bed… looking as if she was just sleeping, in a coma.
I moved to Yangyang, Gangwon-do due to financial difficulties caused by people issues… which, in turn, were caused by personality traits shaped by my childhood trauma.
A client I met last year told me, “You tend to do things for others even when you don’t truly want to(to please others).”
I thought I had overcome it.
A while ago, I had NLT(Neuro-Linguistic Tapping)sessions to release my need to please others or to be loved by everyone.
But a recent incident with my housemate—a kind of friend situation—made me realize that I still have that pattern.
A motherly, angel-like (or so I thought) friend asked me if her daughter could stay at my place. I initially said no because I value my privacy, but she convinced (?) me by suggesting we try it for a week and see how it goes.
My assumption, understanding, or expectation was that if things didn’t work out, I could let her know flexibly.
But my style…I just suffered and waited…tried to suppress my own needs to be alone or have privacy…
When I finally couldn’t take the stress anymore (even though I had no issues with her daughter personally—I had simply ignored my own emotional needs), I told my friend I needed my space.
I even offered to pay for the moving costs immediately, but she told me she was busy and that it was cold.
She promised she would move out on the agreed date.
But I didn’t see any sign of her trying her best at moving out that day.
No moving truck or packing.
While I suffered through so many months…
Putting her needs before mine… seeing that made me feel so betrayed and used.
At that time, I was coughing a lot. My health was deteriorating.
I was depressed and under extreme stress. I couldn’t work properly—not my regular healing work, nor my GFE service.
I took aromatherapy pills, but they didn’t help improve my health at all.
And finally, when they moved out, my health gradually stabilized. My coughing and other severe health issues subsided.
That was when I truly realized how much stress can harm the body.
When my body was in fight-or-flight mode, my immune system completely shut down.
I could feel my heart racing from stress…
“The sympathetic nervous system sends out impulses to glands and smooth muscles and tells the adrenal medulla to release epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline) into the bloodstream. These ‘stress hormones’ cause several changes in the body, including an increase in heart rate and blood pressure.”
Due to these recent heartbreaking experiences of betrayal (even if she didn’t mean it, her actions showed a lack of care—at least that’s how I interpreted it), I started digging deep into human behavior and personality traits. And in the process, I ended up learning more about myself.
All these incidents stemmed from my own behavioral patterns.
My mother was busy working, struggling to survive.
When my younger sister was born, she sent me to live with my grandmother.
I was only three or four years old. I still remember how terrified I was, being taken to an unfamiliar place. On a bus or train…
In early childhood, I was often left alone while all my neighborhood friends went to kindergarten. (Although now, in hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t go through early childhood programming.)
My parents were always focused on making money. I have no memories of being hugged, loved, or receiving much affection from them.
That said, I am grateful to my mother for not sending me to an orphanage or physically abusing me—things could have been worse.
They didn’t know perfect parenting, of course.
And then there was my first sexual experience… with my own biological father when I was in high school.
It happened only once—an accident.
I forgave him because I understand that people can make mistakes, and I know he must have been ashamed of his actions.
He passed away two years ago at the young age of 60.
Thankfully, we had an open conversation about it before he passed away-that time I never thought he would pass away.
I messaged to my mom and father in the kakao(messenger service popular in Korea) chat room one day and brought up the incident.
There was a long story but I will skip that as it would be too long to talk.
I demanded compensation for his damage to my life…as that affected my whole life…as well as childhood emotional neglect(which I learned recently).
He acknowledged the damage he had done. Also my mom messaged me sorry officially about the time as she didn’t do anything for me.
No therapy or discussion. Just burying the shameful incident(for all I assume).
So why am I talking about my childhood when the title of this diary was about my friend’s death?
My aromatherapist/emotional-psychology specialist friend was also sent to live with her grandparents when she was young.
Her father was sick, and her parents went to the countryside to help him heal and to do Christian missionary work—building a church there.
One day, she came to my place for a healing session.
NLT session. Neuro Linguistic Tapping.
I am level 1 NLT practitioner although I never charged officially to do this session professionally yet.
I myself have experienced deep healing and release from NLT sessions with the originator of NLT.
It’s EFT + NLP.
EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques, commonly known as Tapping. It is a holistic healing method that combines elements of acupressure and psychology to reduce stress, anxiety, pain, and emotional trauma.
How EFT Works:
EFT involves tapping with your fingertips on specific points of the body (similar to acupuncture points) while focusing on negative emotions or traumatic memories. This process helps to release emotional blockages and restore energy balance.
Benefits of EFT:
✔ Reduces stress, anxiety, and depression
✔ Helps with trauma, PTSD, and phobias
✔ Supports pain relief
✔ Improves self-confidence and emotional resilience
EFT is widely used in therapy, coaching, and personal development.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
This is a psychological approach that focuses on the connection between neurology (mind), language, and behavior patterns. It is used in personal development, therapy, and communication improvement. NLP techniques help people change negative thought patterns, improve confidence, and enhance persuasion skills.
So I opened up free case study session and my friend came over.
She shared her story and incident she couldn’t make sense or let go of.
She ended up going to prestige university to understand her mom…from one incident.
She used to be tom boy when she was young.
Her father became a pastor, and suddenly, there were rules: she had to be a good example, be a “good girl,” etc.
No matter what she did at school…
Not showing off or humble-whatever she did-someone always had something to say.
Or pointed out her behavior. Why she is too this…or too that.
One day, a deaconess and her daughter visited their home. The little girl wanted my friend’s favorite rubber eraser.
My friend had a hobby of collecting erasers. That particular one was her prized possession.
When she said “No,” her mother scolded her and my friend cried.
That little girl ended up taking her eraser. I guess that might have been 28-30 years ago incident that she had to let go and needed my help to release her pain…from childhood memory.
We did session and she finally got so clear from that memory and emotional charge.
I heard she went to university to major psychology because of her mom…she wanted to know…needed to understand…
She was very logical, yet she was also gifted in emotional and psychological counseling.
I wonder if she truly understood or knew about childhood programming.
I’ve been studying a lot lately—reading, watching interviews with Gabor Maté, and learning from coaches who specialize in childhood PTSD and trauma.
And then my friend got caught in a toxic situation with network marketing people/team from doTERRA essential oil company.
Greedy people, manipulation, betrayal…went on. It’s again too long story to explain what happened to her…
She had financial struggles. She was sensitive and internalized too much stress.
She always put others first.
She was too kind, too caring, too self-sacrificing.
After reading When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté, I started connecting the dots between physical illness and emotional pain.
So many people who die from cancer were “too nice.”
My friend was one of them.
My friend was a very logical, brainy person but also gifted with emotional and psychological counseling skills.
However, I doubt she knew about childhood programming.
I’ve learned and studied a lot recently… because of my own recent trauma-triggering incidents. I started reading and watching interviews by Gabor Maté, MD, and many other people and coaches sharing their stories and success stories to help people with childhood PTSD/trauma.
Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma, Addiction, Ayahuasca, and More | The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast
My friend got targeted by network marketing people… their greediness and lack of care for others…
When they went to the US to attend conferences, one lady from another team got close to somewhat famous(soup opera actress) lady and she wanted to change her sponsorship to other team(this famous lady’s).
The people involved in this network marketing company started to fight… I don’t know if it was her greediness to rank higher or if it triggered her emotional issues… or what… but this one woman, who wanted to change her sponsorship, accused my friend of putting her sister’s name on another line.
She sent an accusatory letter to many people, even to me.
I guess many of the descriptions were not true… and my friend suffered because of that.
My friend was a very honest and honorable person, and that kind of accusation was too much—it damaged her dignity.
I felt people’s greediness… their desire to rank higher, earn more money, and recruit others from different lines to their own… caused this incident.
But it could also be related to my friend’s personality…
She didn’t express her feelings or needs. She suppressed her pain and desires…
She also had a financial scarcity mindset… she knew she needed to overcome that mentality.
But those early childhood programming… from observing her parents… and perhaps even passed down through genes or DNA… made her struggle, even though she was so talented and gifted with education, certificates, and a strong background.
I told her to fight back.
She wanted to protect others… if she brought up the issue, many others who also fake-registered their family members’ names would face financial damage. People have their own reasons when digging deep.
I guess suing and all that costs money and effort… even though her boyfriend’s father was a lawyer, I later heard it’s not a simple thing to get help.
It would cost them valuable time, and it could be complicated and expensive…
I guess she could have done it but didn’t. For many reasons…I assume she didn’t want to burden or ask a favor.
If she hadn’t been poor… would she have just taken it?
I know she was too sensitive and took stress too hard… when someone else faced a similar accusation, they said,
“That bitch! I’ll do… $%^&%!”
That person took it so deeply and suffered like my friend.
I wondered…
If my friend had received abundant love and support from her parents… would her personality have turned out differently?
Always putting her needs last… letting others claim and take things first. And she waited until the end…
I noticed this when I was coaching her. She never stepped up to claim a gift or prize or something… first. She always waited for others to take first…
She was so kind, caring, and sweet…
After reading When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté, MD, I started to notice and connect the dots between physical illness, stress, and emotional issues in the people around me, including myself.
While talking in a car with others, I heard someone died of cancer… and I asked, “Was she so nice?”
The lady said, “YES! She missed Korea so much after immigrating to the US because of her husband’s work.”
Another lady I met at a recent conference also mentioned cancer… death… again… that person was too nice, suffering inside.
Anyway… it was so sad…
My friend’s death… I went to see her while she was in the ICU, in a coma.
I was going to visit her earlier but didn’t have money to give her.
I knew she had financial stress too, as she was sick and couldn’t work.
I waited until I had money to give her…
When I had to move out due to not paying rent—my own similar episode of not saying no and putting my needs last…
I finally got my leftover deposit back and wanted to see her, but I had to go to Yangyang to take care of my moving stuff.
I asked a gentleman who lived nearby to just make sure the moving truck could find the place, as it was a bit complicated to reach by GPS.
But he turned down my request for help. The irony is that he had asked me to meet him to discuss community building.
I resonated with his mission or passion to build a cooperative community where people help each other…
But when I asked for his help via message… he told me later that he thought,
“I don’t know you well. You’re thinking too lightly about me… you ask for more favors after I helped you.”
Something like that… he told me he felt that way.
I explained my situation when he told me this in person.
I cried so much while driving to see her at the Incheon cancer specialty hospital… ICU.
I got tired of Korea… Korean people…
I felt people here are so selfish and greedy… using people like my friend and me…
Why do they take advantage of people like us?
Later, another aromatherapist friend told me not every Korean is like that…
My mom-like friend… etc…
She asked me, “Maybe you need to think about your energy… what makes people take advantage of you or attracts those people into your life?”
It’s the childhood trauma… not getting enough love, attention, confidence, or assurance of our self-worth and value…
We are terrified of not being liked or abandoned… it’s a human animal instinct.
Humans are the most dependent species in the animal kingdom.
Without a proper bond from a caretaker, they can’t survive.
Understanding this—along with stress and emotion-related physical symptoms and life struggles—has made me see things more clearly.
Observing my friend’s sudden death from her cancer spreading, which she had healed before… due to stress and emotional pain… made me rethink my own trauma and behaviors more deeply.
I’ve learned I shouldn’t wait for perfect timing…
I should also express my feelings and needs.
I have to claim what is right for me, not just wait and think others will do the right thing.
In this money-greedy, materialistic society… like Korea… people seem so selfish and competitive, thinking only about their own needs and not caring much about others.
I saw this in my mom and sisters, who didn’t do the right thing.
I visited my grandmother a week ago and was upset.
Seeing her just surviving… just living… just…
I got angry and wanted to fight for her.
If not, I have to claim my rightful share from my father’s will (a verbal will, but by law, I still have a right). I need to stabilize my life, make money, and do the right thing for my grandmother.
So I announced to my mom that I would sue her or take action. I’m not just waiting around innocently anymore, expecting her to do the right thing… when I saw that she and all my sisters didn’t honor my father’s will because of their greediness (that’s how I see it, but I’m sure they think otherwise).
Today, my mom sent me a message apologizing for sending me to live with my grandmother when I was little, which caused my childhood trauma.
I understand her situation back then… struggling to survive and raise kids…
I told her I understand her logically, but the trauma is still affecting my life.
I’d like to express my feelings and talk with her. I’m sure she has her own stories to share. I didn’t live with her much and didn’t hear her stories like my other sisters did… so maybe I don’t fully understand.
But I also heard from my grandmother that my mom still holds a grudge against her due to misunderstandings…
These underlying misunderstandings, mistakes, or whatever… it’s time to clear them up.
They’re causing so much pain and suffering.
It’s time to talk openly, communicate, and try to understand and listen to each other.
We’ll find better solutions and live life in a more meaningful, fulfilling way…
I know my site is about the Girlfriend Experience (GFE) or escort dating… and I’m talking about too much personal stuff…
But I do GFE because of who I am… how I grew up…
Craving love and connection…
That’s why I do what I do here… with GFE. But I also can’t just trade money for sex…
Because I’m not interested in that.
I like to be authentic, real… even though I don’t show my face… even if I really want to share…
But because of the law… and for my safety and my clients’ safety… I have to…
What I really want is love.
My dream life would be spending time with someone I truly like and love…
Living in a beautiful mountain house surrounded by nature, gardening, having a golden retriever, hugging, walking, cooking, having lots of great sex… and open communication…
I’d be independent financially, not relying on my lover or partner… doing what I love, making money by sharing truths about health and life… being authentic.
My lover or friend… a male friend… asked me to visit and stay with him while I’m learning and healing from trauma… reading books and relaxing…
I told him I would visit him in the States in May.
I don’t know what will happen.
I’m not putting expectations or hopes on him, but he’s close to my ideal person—someone I’d like to be with. He knows I suffer from childhood trauma and that I’ve worked as an escort, etc.
I wanted to wait until I had enough money because I don’t want to feel like a burden if things don’t work out.
My fear… my worry…
The fear of being hurt…
But after my friend’s death… I don’t want to wait and regret. Not seeing her…
Not seeing him. Spending nice time together as long as we enjoy each other’s company.
Just pure… happiness.
With no expectations…
I always say,
“Live life to the fullest.”
But it turns out I wasn’t living life to the fullest…
I have to clear up traumas and grudges with my mom… and that mom-like friend…
I want to live with a pure, clean heart.
Being surrounded by loving, caring, kind, and nice people…
Just enjoying humanness… spending beautiful time together.
Until I offer my GFE, I think it’s still special and valuable to spend quality time together, even if it’s paid.
I paid a lot of money for my online marketing coach in the UK when I visited him.
I valued his time, knowledge, and wisdom—what he shared and brought to the table.
I see my time and service the same way.
Creating beautiful memories and spending meaningful, nice time together, while paying for my time… there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just the law in Korea—or certain countries—that rules it could be considered otherwise…
I consider it an opportunity cost.
I have financial needs, and the time I spend with clients could be used for other income-producing activities. I offer my time—not doing things for myself—and get compensated.
In case someone out there wonders or gets confused about paying money…
I hope my thoughts can provide some insight and comfort.
I don’t want to convince anyone. I just always wanted to express how I see paying for my time… like how I paid a lot for my coach in the UK.
What I offer is valuable for your happiness and contributes to creating a meaningful life.
I hope so.
Let’s live life…
Create beautiful memories and enjoy…
Carpe diem.
I have to remind myself… too, still.
Carpe Diem…
A message and music I love by Carsie Blanton.
“Smoke Alarm” acoustic version played as ending song of Chris Ryan’s podcast Tangentially Speaking
