It’s 2:48AM in Gangnam, Seoul, Korea now…
Today…no yesterday I did my 16th self home detox.
Feeling clear…peaceful and calm.
I did a lot of study about relationships and emotions and personality, 4 attachment theory that shape people’s personality or style…to figure out some things I couldn’t understand…or wanted to know…related to the…
While trying to learn, understand…I stumbled upon my own realization and awareness…
Everything…I do…my patterns and tendencies, emotions, thoughts…my love life, marriage, people relationships, wanting to be alone or control things, overthinking, anxiety, craving love, affection…my escort hobby life…
This video gave me first insight.
The Attachment Theory- How Your Childhood Affects Your Relationships
And this…to find out or understand the couple…I ended up understanding myself better.
Why Codependents and Narcissists Can’t Break Up
The person in my mind is in this relationship and might not know…
I realized I have codependent personality. All the things made sense to me.
Why I want to help people…care about others, all the emotional tendencies, my housemate situation…that I couldn’t say…to avoid conflict…
My escort hobby life was kind of extension of my personality weakness? Or problem?
Or…it could be my personality strength…that I care about other’s feelings, want to help, heal…want to please…extra kind and sweet…just my nature or developed nature from childhood trauma or upbringing.
And the dear client I felt like falling in love was super nice human being…
I’ve been afraid of getting hurt so avoiding real dating or love…relationship…now I have more clarity.
And I was using escort hobby life to fill my subconscious desires…in a way.
And I realized I actually had several chances to really put myself into dating and relationship possibilities with few nice single men past few years.
Funny thing is…
I offered my escort service and had sex with clients but I never had sex with them…although they and I …had feelings and attractions to each other.
They were coming into my life but I was blocking them…and never opened my heart or chance.
And I have one single client that I feel getting close and I wanted to talk to him in person…sharing all the things and getting some opinions from him about my GFE direction…Pure GFE or if I should stop all this at all…
It’s getting blurry with him…
And I wonder if I should stop this…
Love can mean different things for different people.
I didn’t think my ex husband loved me but I think he did.
His way of love was different than what I wanted.
So when I watched this video, I totally resonated with it.
What is True Love?
She explains in the beginning what is not true love. I totally get them and I wish the person will realize…he is not in the true love.
Maybe he didn’t even get into the relationship for love from the beginning…So kind hearted…doing things for people…his biggest joy in life is helping others…he said…I don’t talk to him anymore and I am supposed be out of his life…
But I wish he would realize his self worth and know he deserves true love in his life…or I hope he is in one…
Love Guide | Be Around This Type of Person…
I know so many couples…married people are not in the relationship for true love…
Maybe that’s life…or most of people do things…that way…for circumstances…or whatever reason…
I don’t want to live like that.
I love to be in true love…
Be true and real…honest, authentic…
My next step is getting rid or overcoming codependent style to move forward with life.
Since I have self awareness about my tendencies, I am now doing things differently with consciousness, calm, peaceful attitude than my natural reaction or thinking pattern.
When things happened I was in so much pain to cause the pain for the person…and cause huge problem…
But I thought things happen for a reason and I realized this was the reason.
He needs to know…awareness…
There are different kind of love, people, relationships…
Sometimes I can’t understand…
I guess there are different people, thoughts, perspectives, styles, beliefs…
I can’t judge…I should remember that.
In this human life…I feel we are here to experience human experience…
Enjoy life to the fullest in this life time…which I also feel guilty of that. Although I always said that.
I am going to live life to the fullest.
Also today while doing 16th detox, I watched some videos of Gary Vaynerchuk.
“DO Something! STOP Being SCARED!” | Gary Vaynerchuk | Top 50 Rules
I am gonna do something. Stop being scared anymore.
Thank you for reading my blog post.
What do you think true love is?
Let me know in the comment what you think about true love after you watch two videos about love above.
